I don’t know why the format looks weird, but oh well. Okay, no agendas this time. This is solely my brain and/or spirit on fire. I’ve been struggling lately with the concepts of passion and purpose, namely my specific versions of those things. Sure, I’ve read Rick Warren’s book many times, and I get that side of it, as far as what the Christian in me’s purpose is/should be, but I feel like that’s a generalization for all people ascribing to Christianity. I want to know what’s the point of me, personally and uniquely. What am I good for? What should I be involved in? What am I passionate about? How many sentences can a end with a preposition?
Lately I’ve been trying to explore these thoughts more deeply. I’ve started reading “The Nerdist Way” by Chris Hardwick again, in a more serious way, basically because he’s doing a lot of things I wish I was able to do at this precise moment. He’s somehow managed to do what he loves to do and get paid for it. I know not everyone can say that, but I have the desire to be one of them. I’ve also been listening to talks of speakers and life coaches all over the map, and I have a solid list of books I want to go through. I feel like the whole Amway attempt on my part was false for my nature, but its failure did spark in me a desire to find my own way. You see, I got into it because of the promise of money. However, I found out that it doesn’t matter how much you try to motivate yourself if you don’t truly enjoy what you are doing; if you aren’t passionate about what you’re doing with your life, you’re not going to get anywhere. I liked the idea of making money, but what I would have had to do to make it is something that I would never be into. Honestly, if you get excited about energy drinks and vitamins, that’s awesome. Go do that. As for me, I could not have cared less and still don’t. I’ve never been a highly excitable person (perhaps because I haven’t figured out my passion or passions yet), but I think I would rather watch the film adaptation of Green Lantern or any of the ghastly Transformers films that have been unleashed upon the earth than be on the phone talking to someone about how the greatest thing ever is talking about vitamins and cleaning products. But I digress. Needless to say, that wasn’t my bag.
But then, what is my bag? Many who think they know me would probably say counselor or psychologist. I did sort of go to school forever for that. Yet, I don’t feel like that’s me either. I feel like that’s the me I created to please everyone else by making it look like I was doing the traditional career climbing-the-ladder thing that is way past outdated. I started out on a pre-med course in college simply because people said I should because I was a smart lad, and it would bring in the big bucks. It took me a semester or two to realize I wanted no part of that. Then, the only things I found that were remotely interesting to me were psychology and religion courses, so I just took all of them and graduated with that. Then, I just had to keep going because my bachelor’s degree was about as useful as any other piece of paper. Not to say that I don’t find aspects of psychology and counseling interesting, but I just don’t identify myself as “the psychology guy” or “the counselor guy.” Some family members and friends have told me in the past what I should do or should be doing, and some of them are not in the best of circumstances, while others are in a good place for them, but it isn’t where I want to be. I should have taken a hard look at the lives of the people who were giving me such sage advice and ran the other way because clearly their plans hadn’t worked out so well for them, or what they had just wasn’t what I want out of life. In my opinion, they settled. I’m not willing to settle. I know there has to be more than that, than this, for me.
But then, what am I passionate about? What is my one thing? What do people think when I cross their path, physically or mentally? What is it that makes me unique or stand out from anyone else? These are the questions that have been troubling me these past many weeks now. I feel like I don’t even know myself enough to answer these things properly or accurately, and I’m afraid to outright ask people on the spot what they think of me. I’ve posted blanket questions but haven’t really gotten any response. It’s as if people are afraid to be honest or share their opinion, in a world that has become very adept at sharing their opinions via social media or otherwise. I don’t want to let others’ views of me to dictate who I am, but it would be helpful to get some outside looks at what I seem to be good at or get excited for. This is definitely a work in progress.