Working through the night most nights now gives me way too much time to dork around or just sit and think. Perhaps this is a good thing. It gives me time to accomplish things that for some reason I don’t get around to messing with during the day. I think I think WAY too much. About everything. I believe getting stuff out on print yields some sort of release for me, so here’s some of the many things about which I wonder…
Sometimes I wonder why I seem to struggle to take much of anything seriously. The psychology part of me that I’ve forced upon myself these past many years says it’s probably because I’d rather avoid dealing with conflict or something serious or in any sense real. Oh sure, in a pinch when it really matters, usually concerning things between me and my wife, I can summon up some semblance of seriousness, but for most things, I have to be the comic relief, the clown. I don’t really get all that deep anymore. Long ago, I used to think I was Rob Bell, Jr. or something, acting like I had THE knowledge people needed to hear. Nowadays I know better than that, so I don’t want to sound pompous or like I know it all because I don’t know it all.
Sometimes I wonder how I can possibly hope to be of aid to people via the clinical counseling field, attempting to help them desperately pick up the pieces of their lives, when I feel like I don’t even have it together myself. Some of the stories I have heard while interning are borderline unbelievable and almost overwhelming. It is hard to imagine how much suffering and turmoil goes on among us, and I can tend to feel quite ill-equipped to be such a voice of influence in these peoples’ lives. It makes me a big ball of anxious.
Sometimes I wonder if what I am doing with my life is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. Am I truly fulfilling my life’s purpose? Am I making an impact? I get the whole universal Rick Warren version of purpose for life, which I need to remember also, but I mean specifics for myself. I know all these people who are so passionate about what they are doing or what they want to do, and I feel like I don’t have that spark for anything as far as I know, or maybe I do and just don’t realize it. I’ve just been doing what I have to do to get by and somewhat make progress in life. I love being with my wife or being around loved ones, but that’s about it. Honestly, my wife is my rock and inspiration. I thank God every day for her.
Sometimes I wonder what my life will be one year, three years, five years from now. What will change? What will stay the same? Will we be in a better place? Will we be loving parents? Will the dog ever stop eating clothes? I believe that these things at some point will be. Gotta be positive, right? I know it won’t just happen to fall in my lap though. I know I have to work at it and better myself as a person daily. The best is yet to come.
Sometimes I wonder what God thinks of my life currently. I know I am loved unconditionally, but I wonder what God thinks of my current way of life. Is He impressed? Underwhelmed? Maybe just whelmed. The Bible says people will be known by their fruit. What fruit am I growing? Or am I growing fruit at all? Perhaps I’m growing nothing, or worse, growing useless weeds that are just in the way. I need to keep this in mind.
Sometimes I wonder if my slacking involvement with my faith and my relationship with God can be linked to problems elsewhere in my life. I am pretty sure I know the answer to that one. I am sure I know the answers to a number of these things. I just need to admit them and do something about it. Doing nothing solves nothing.
Sometimes I wonder how much would change if I chose to truly apply myself and be bold in making decisions regardless of what other people say and think or how I feel that day. This definitely applies to my independent business. I feel like I could be so much farther ahead on the path to success, but I get in my own way by making excuses and procrastinating. I need to develop more consistency and integrity.
Sometimes I wonder how many actual friends we have. The truth, not what Facebook says. I know I’ve been guilty in the past of adding people as friends I barely knew or maybe didn’t even know personally. What does it mean to be a friend to someone? I think there are friends who are there for each other and genuinely enjoy each other’s company, and then there are those who get along well enough but only really pop up when it’s convenient for them or if they are bored and have nothing better to do. I’m sure we have all struggled with this at some point. I know I need to do better at keeping up with my friends and being more social. Keeping up communication with others has never been a strong point of mine for some reason. I let myself get bogged down with all my stuff and never seem to get around to saying hello or asking how they are doing for months at a time. I need to be more intentional in keeping up with others.
Wow it’s super late/early now. I would hope most people are fast asleep. Alas, I am not. Oh well, making lemonade with the lemons I was given anyway. Maybe something here will spark you. I don’t know. I just know it helps me to speak it into existence rather than just think and think and think some more. I’m sure the many posts to follow will be much lighter in nature, probably related to something nerdy. I do happen to be a nerd, after all. I’d like to do some kind of vlogging while I’m up all night, but I’m technically working, so that would probably be frowned upon. Anyway, signing off for now. So looking forward to visiting family and friends in Ohio for the long weekend. A mini-vacation is much needed.